I've been clean for like, what, 2-3 months now, I get my urges as we all do, but none that have gone thru with anything.
For those of you who pray, please pray for my Uncle. He's an alchoholic and this morning both of his kidney's failed, and will prolly need transplants. My dad just got fired and took a job in South Carolina, so please pray for him cause it's gonna be rough on all of us.
I hope you all are doin well, with school starting and such.
I'm goin to Germany in May, so it's gonna be good!
- Current Mood: tired
- Current Music:Lifetime (haha)
The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember....
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer..AND
Lazarus was dead!
Now! No more excuses! God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. Growing old is inevitable ... growing UP is optional.
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
6. Do the math ... count your blessings.
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray . If you pray, don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house are the people.
13. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
Have a great day!!! The SON is shining and he can certainly use you!
- Current Location:Grandma's House
- Current Mood: content
- Current Music:Shawn Mcdonald "Free"
Needless to say im having a hard time with this, so far I havent cut though, he used to hate it when i did that, even tho he did it himself, adn its how he died. I just needed to get it out of my system, thanks for listening
- Current Location:grams place
- Current Mood: numb
- Current Music:Far Away-Nickelback
him-hey baby, ur friends gonna be back tonight?
him-im not stupid, i know they were there, are they comin back?
me-im not gonna tell them you were in contact with me just leave me alone
him-did they wake up ur grandma? do you think she would wake up if i came to the door?
me-i dont want to hear from you anymore
him-but I missed you
me-what do you want
so naturally im scared shitless and not going to bed at all tonight, just like i didnt go to bed at all last night until the sun came up. sure scares the hell outta me though thinking of moving out on my own next week. but i dont knwo what to do, if i call the cops im going to have half the neighborhood callin me a rat and terrorizing me. what should i do? call them, dont call them? ignore them?
I dont knwo how many of you like rap music, but this one is kinda cool. read the lyrics and tell me what you think
And then theres this one which Im sure most of you know, and all can relate to. They make me feel better when I am down so i thought I would share
- Current Location:prolly shouldnt say-just in case
- Current Mood: high on caffiene 'n terrified
- Current Music:songs from up above on repeat
Ok so I thought since I just joined this community I would tell you al ittle about why I'm here. In the past 3 years I have lost the two great loves of my life. One was to suicide and took me completely by surprise, and the other was a breakup. The breakup was my doing and we still talk but of course it just isnt the same and it probably never will be. I have tried everything I could think of to make myself just not feel the pain but it never worked, so I thought maybe talking about it with complete strangers was the answer, since no one in my life seems to notice that I havent smiled since it happened. I know this is not an obituary page and its not a sympathy page so.
That was Tim, and as i said in the cut, my heart literally hurts without him. Now, as I said, I wont force you to read this either but if you want to truly understand why I am the way I am, read on.....
I used to do a lot of things to try and get past these things, including cutting, substance abuse, criminal behaviour, etc. nothing has worked,. I have stopped all this now and so far am doing fine, but on top of all this i wound up homeless for three months, and now I just dont knwo what I might do, I was part of this community before, while all this was going on, and I thought that I could do it alone, but here I am, back again, looking for my old familiar comforts. I havent done anything yet, and I dont want to. I hope that this community will do for me again this time what it did for me the last time.
- Current Location:grandmas house
- Current Mood: same as always
- Current Music:none
I have been doing okay. ( I haven't had any urges; however...Collapse )
cell phone: 231.730.2661
I'm sorry this isn't a good update; I promise I will do better tomorrow. I'm super tired (I get up at 4am every morning), and gigundoly thirsty. I love you guys so much. Hang in there, please. Call whenever if you need to. Just say, "Hey A2K, this is ___________ from the ABD community...." or something like that. :) WE'LL MAKE IT THROUGH.
- Current Location:My Bedroom
- Current Mood: thirsty
- Current Music:Listening to Daryn talk
He tried to brush it off like it was nothing, but I really dislike how much I weigh, and I'm really sensitive about it. He told me to get over it, and I started to cry. I went to my room and was crying, and started scratching because I didn't have anything to cut with, and I broke the skin...I want to cut again and it's terrible because I've gone nearly four months without harming, and things were going well, and now they've turned to shit and I hate it.
- Current Mood: it's all shit.
- Current Location:home
- Current Mood: stressed
- Current Music:nothing
I totalled my car-my friend and I were goin to the lake. Flipped it twice, tore that fucker up. I now have a job, to get a new car.
Um, I did do a lot of firsts, kissing ppl that I never in my life thought I would, and even doin a little more than just that, but hmm. It still feels a little wierd. School starts in a week. Fuck. I'm not ready-summer is sposed to be about fun, about not worrying, about low stress. It's alll been high friggin stress.
I'm done-I've been like, what now, 3 months clean? I slipped once, but I dont count it. If so, then I'm about a month clean. Pish posh-I'm gonna go get somethin to eat.
Hope your summer's have been well.
I also finally got my medicine for bipolar disorder all straightened out. I am now on Depakote ER and Welbutrin XL. Still having some suicidal thoughts though. WIERD? Yeah I know.. I trully dislike bipolar disorder I feel as if it is pushing me farther and farther away from my family and friends and even God sometimes...maybe it was wrong to say that...
I really like the new Building 429 cd "Rise"
I am ready for enfuego in Verbena
I am ready to start back school and I can't yet. I have been pretty depressed lately because of the fact that I like school...as a matter of fact I love school and I got suspended I let the family down. I am off for a semester. I don't get to go back to January which reminds me that hopefully the year will start all good.
I can't wait for passion I guess I will get to go...
- Current Mood: accomplished
- Current Music:Building 429 "Rise"
and everytime I promise you all here that I will update, I never do.
Sorry about that.
I haven't been cutting for a while. Its probably been about 4 months. It should be almost 9 months, but I screwed up.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing alright. And I'm alive.
I love you all and wish you the best of luck in wherever life takes you.
- Current Location:home
- Current Mood: sad
- Current Music:none
it has always been strained like every since I can remember. They have always fought. For as long as I can remember they would threatned to get a divorce and then they would call all of me and my sibling --or as the years went on siblings--into the room and asks us if they got a divorce what parent would we go with. they still haven't got that divorce and my mom still brings up wanted to leave my dad. Also for as long as I can remember my dad will go out and gamble and my mom would call him like 30 times and he wouldn't pick up the phone and she would get mad and be really mean to us at night calling us mean names and hitting us. in the past we knew when we should watch out for her, but now its like she is always in abad mood and you never know when she may hit or throw something and it can get scary sometimes. I am always in a constant fear that she may really hit my brother over the head with the mirror that she threatens him with or give me a black eye and break my glasses...
My dad has always been the tight to tell my about my looks. He has always compared me and my mom to the "pretty, sexy ladies" on tv. He has always told me that I am fat and eat to much and don't do enough stuff and now he and my mom have started telling my NINE year old sister she eats too much and I am scared for her because she has started talking about her weight to and I don't want her to end up with a Eating disorder or something or end up like me with self image issues and self confidence issuses. I struggled with that in grade school school-high school and I still struggled with it some.
I am also scared for my 15 year brother because I can't get him in a church at all and he seems to be drifting way away from the family...kinda like me. Its like he is building a wall against the hurt and it is interfering with my big sisterly love and I don't know what to do to let him know that I love him and I wont hurt him.
Everthing is just crazy.
- Current Location:grandma in alabaster
- Current Mood: crappy
- Current Music:building 429
I got the extended info over here. And Chelsea's info (of what I havE) up. But I need more.
NOTE TO SELF - get the rest of Chel's info.
I hope y'all are staying strong. I just wanted to let you know that I got the layout up and fixed for the most part.
Gotta run - so sorry.
♥ x infinity
- Current Location:Room
- Current Mood: crappy
- Current Music:TV - commerical for Viagra <>
Another day and night alone
This broken house is not my home
I'm in danger in this place
Four years I've learned to understand
I tremble when you raise your hand
There is hatred in your face
I love you, but I'd leave you
If I knew just where to go
But I am far too small to ever try
And make it on my own
I need to hide away and find a little love
I need to find a safe new shelter from this unrelenting storm
I am frightened and confused
I am torn and I'm abused
And I just need someone to take me in their arms
So take me in your arms
There's Someone watching over you
Who knows just what you're going through
There are angels in this place
And every time you start to cry
Another tear forms in His eye
There is sorrow in His face
Now don't you start to worry
Because Heaven is so far
He has many friends on earth
Who serve to be His open arms
And He says, Come and hide yourself within My love
I will be your shelter, I will calm the raging storm
I was treated badly, too
So now I'm close enough to you
And I will be the One to take you in My arms
I'll take you in my arms
So just lay your little head upon my shoulder
And wrap your arms so tight around my neck
And soak my shirt with tears, we'll cry together
Let it out, Let Him in
You can start to breathe again
When I say, Come and hide yourself within my love
I will be your father, I will take you in my home
You don't have to be afraid
I will keep each promise made
And I will be the one to take you in my arms
Your safe within these arms
Safe within these arms
- Current Location:lisa's room
- Current Mood: crazy
- Current Music:Karl Kohlhase
lifes been kind of a lot harder, my mum left, has no house or job or money, my parents are both clinically depressed and we are all kind of secretly giving up on life. my mum keeps telling me how shes daughterless, which hurts a hell of a lot. and then uses me as an excuse to show off to her friends, they were in the pub where i work the other day, and they were all making snide comments towards me. what the hell gives them the right?! then my mum took me out for a coffee the day after because i bumped into her in town (bloody typical) and then when i started trying to explain, calmly and maturely, that shed upset me, she walked out on me stupid frickin mother.
so yeah, been seeing a counsellor for a few months now, she knows abuot the SH and everything, and helps me a lot with that. in fact, if it wasnt for her, im not sure that id still be here to be honest. i managed to stop SH when my mum laft (after 4 years) but then it got too much and i started again. but yeah, hey, thats me! :) hopefully, ill stay active in this community, because it helped me a lot last year.
hope everyone is okay <3 x x x x x x x x x (x-posted to KYL)
So I've been thinking don't I get on your nerves?
Don't I make you sick?
Don't I make you curse?
Don't I make you want to kick?
Don't you think im hopeless?
Don't you want me to go away?
Dont I make you spit?
Don't i remind you of decay?
Don't you like these pills?
There what im going to use.
It want be very painful.
I am so confussed.
Don't you want me to this?
You did say go away.
Im sorry mom, dad, friends,
this is the ONLY way...
- Current Location:living room
- Current Mood: suicidal
- Current Music:tv
After nearly 2 months, I slipped up.
I've been searching for something, looking, looking.
Guess I found what I was looking for.
Another thing to bind me.
It hasn't been the best week.
- Current Mood: sad
- Current Music:Radiohead
- Current Location:grandma's living room
- Current Mood: bitchy
- Current Music:little brother snoring in my here
Good news? I haven't cut in ages. Not counting the slight scratching a couple of months ago, it's been all year.
Bad news? I've started hitting things. Things like walls, and doors, and lockers. My hands are already abnormal, as I'm missing a knuckle in my left hand, and now I cannot curve my right fingers up properly.
Here's the thing, I'm about to move because of the stupid military again, and I'll be heading for my 10th school, going into 11th grade, and I can already tell it won't turn out well at first.
My mom doesn't take me at all seriously. I found out about BPD, and now I just always have to have something wrong with me. How do I make her realise that I'm not kidding or wanting something to be wrong with me? For the first time, I want to see a psychologist, and I can't.
- Current Location:home
- Current Mood: exhausted
- Current Music:Making Christmas- NBC
- Current Mood: disappointed
well.. im in involved with a youth organisation type thing and their having art exhibition, the theme is 'through our eyes' so it's basically how young people see the world. i really really wanna enter but i dont think i can. i know exactly what i want to enter
a photo collage type thing.
in the middle a set of eyes (colour), i dont know which colour yet, and maybe crying im not sure.
someones forearm with cuts and scars (colour),
someones stomach that looks anorexic(black and white or colour).
a broken mirror (colour or black and white).
a pill bottle knocked over with pills spilling out of it (black and white).
alcohol bottles (vodka etc) spilled/smashed/half empty on concrete(black and white).
and i want to have them spread randomly out of over a piece of black paper, then at the bottom i want it to say "am i pretty now" or something like that
i want it to show that the way people see themselves in different to the other people do and they want to be 'pretty' or whatever so they do things that they think will help them look better ie anorexia, bulimia but when the pressure gets to much for them they resort to other things ie self-harming, pills, drinking which often makes them feel worse...
i already have people willing to model for me with the stomach and the forearm and i have a few options for the eyes, and all the rest is easy to get a hold of. except i dont have a camera at the moment. so i was wondering if maybe somebody could help if they maybe had any photo's or anything that i could find useful and that they would be willing to let me use i would be forever grateful...
As some of you may know, I am getting married, so I'm gigundol busy with that, along with dance and working full-time. So, I WILL be getting back, it's just gigundol hard to do right now.
Lettme know whatchya think and all that jazz. I love you guys. Stay strong.
I am also considering buying some bracelets/having them made like those "Live Strong" ones but with a mroe ABD-related message. Anyone interested in that? Again, lettme know.
Stay strong guys. Love you lots.
- Current Location:Room
- Current Mood: rushed
- Current Music:None
- Current Location:grandmothers house
- Current Mood: pissed off with life
- Current Music:Kristy Starling Something More
It's been a month clean. I think that for a while I'll have kicked it.
My mom's takin me to see a plastic surgeon person,
hopefully they'll get rid of my scars.
That would be nice.
Things have been nice.
Drinkin a little too much, sleeping a lot,
Making new friends and new memories.
Thank God that summer of '06 is finally here.
Hope things are well for you guys, too.
- Current Mood: hungry
- Current Music:Coy
Then there is school. I love school and always hae but for some reasons no matter how hard i try or work i get no where. yes I missed I class but not enough to get those grades. I fail 2 of my 3 core classes I took. My dad ASSUMES that I fail music classes and thinks I should change my major. Tonight he told me, "Yo a** aint gone get no where with a degree in music--no job no money, nothing! You gone be working at Donna's or McDonalds or something!!" He gives no support at all!! Sometimes I just want to quit school. Having bipolar disorder and no meds can mess a person up, but theres always just this little dot in my mind telling me this will get better, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere with school. Im I not meant for school?! Im I leading myself on? Where Im I going in life? I ask my mom that one time and she told me "To hell if you kill yo' self!!!" Lately I have been walking aonthen ice with the whole moodswing bipolar disorder crap. IM CRAZY PERIOD!!!!! I feel like everything is out of control. Im mad for no reasons some times like mad enought to blow the house up or somebody's car or something. Then other times I cry lon long long long cries. Like tonight I was watching " Sleeping with the Enemy" and I just started crying for no reason. I also always hate when i go out with big groups and my mood is amazingly high up in the good range--to high sometimes--then by the end of the night or day whatever my mood is almost to the lowest point. I also hat the moments when im suicidal ( which has been a lot lately) and i want to slit my wrist or take more tylenol or aleve then appropiate. IM ASHAMED OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I have to have these thoughts? What did I do to deserve them? Something else I am ashamed of is cutting. Yes I have been cutting recently...I cut tonight. I have started marking the fat areas of my body with a X ( Im going to lose weight even if i have to start throwing up what I eat and starving myself. Im fat...I don't need food! ! I have to be perfect for my daddy will love me!) So im crazy right?...haha. I should be going to my therapy visits, but i can't go without away. I should be onmy meds but I don't have the money. So I guess i just get to suffer right? Suffering...Why do I cut? I mean when I cut? I mean when I cut I feel like I have control ove someting and sINCE I am making a physical painI don't think about the reason I m cutting. Thats only sometimes. Sometimes I cut when I am angry, depressed or mad at me? I want to quit cutting but I feel like Once I do I want have a control over things when im going thru my "lovely" moodswings, Why me? I just don't understand. Then theres God Lets not forget Him. Yes I was angry with Him...very. Reasonwhy, I didn't blame him for my grades--their mne, but why im i home again with my parents. Im trying to get better...not worse. i meanthings were already bad enough with me struggling in school, struggling with anemia, struggling with sleep, and struggling with bipolar disorder and mood swings. Now I get to struggle with bipolar disorder and awful mood swings at hom with my family...AND THAT ISN'T GOOD!!!!
My mom still doesn't believe I have bipolar disorder or depression for that matter. She doesn't think I need 750mg Depakote and 10mg Lexapro or the therapy visits and i apparently need all of it. My dad spends enough money gambling to pay for my medicine for half a year. It pisses me off when my parents say, "we don't have the money!" Should I just quit trying? Every time I get somewhere I fail...I dissapoint people--especially my parents. This is the 6th Major dissapointed in my family from Shernina Lawayne Gaiters:
1. Trying to kill myself summer 2004 (OD)
2. Seeking help from Clay/ Mark...just talking to them pissed them off
3. Not having a 3.8 or higher for a final high school GPA...apparently 3.75 isn't high enough
4. Acamdemic Probation 1st semester of college
5. Bipolar Disorder/ Depression
6. Academic suspension college (present)
So you see I am failing everyone...even God because ive had alot less faith lately. Is this all wrong? Am I just weird?
- Current Location:grandmother in alabaster
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:young and the restless...she loves this show